I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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