i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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