I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
