i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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