what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
me + whiskey = a bad person
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Randomize
