He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
We left an ass print on the piano.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
