she looked like the before picture.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
