They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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