The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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