Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
