Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
