Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
