God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
