After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
This toilet bowl is my home.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
