I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
