So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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