the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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