That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
