Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
this beer tastes like vomit already
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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