These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
