I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
