I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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