Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
