I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Farmville is her only friend.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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