Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
