That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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