I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
