Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Who died my cat blue again?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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