he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
