no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize