I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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