I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
