i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
