I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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