I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
