Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
