Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
