I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
