I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Even my vagina gasped.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
