Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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