I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
