Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
