I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
