...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
