All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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