I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
