She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
