How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
