Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
