I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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