my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
