Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
