come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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