Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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