Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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