Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize