I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
