Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
