woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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