Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize