Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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