Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
