Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
