I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
