even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
