Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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