I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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